Last week, the sun finally came out in London. The parks were full of sunbathers, the beer gardens full of revellers, and the whole city (particularly South West) was absolutely swarming with basic bitches.
It’s not that they weren’t there in the winter – the basic bitch is instantly recognisable in the colder months too. But she really comes alive in the summertime – finally she gets to show off her tiny frame and fake-tanned legs. Finally those hours in the gym working on her abs will feel worthwhile. Finally she can drink her cocktails outside. Finally she can fill her Instagram story with pictures of the Thames taken from her balcony. The basic bitch really comes out to play when the sun shines, and YOU can get in on the action too.
The sun has disappeared for now, proving that if you want to write something related to the weather in Britain, you need to act quickly. BUT it is sure to come out again very soon – so make sure you’re prepared for the next burst, with my handy guide to being a British Summertime Basic (#BSB).
As the first hint of sun peeks through your bedroom curtains, casting a beam of light across your white linen bed sheets and fluffy grey pillows, you know it’s time for a wardrobe change. Gone are the black skinnies, boots and chunky knits; enter the denim shorts, floral wrap dresses and culotte jumpsuits. You can dust off your old Ray-Bans and dig out your bum-bag but, in true basic fashun, you’ll probs need to go shopping. Get yourself a sparkling new pair of white trainers. Converse All Stars, Adidas Stan Smiths or Nike Air Force 1; it really doesn’t matter as long as they’re branded, but bonus points if your entire friendship group have the same pair. On the days you don’t want to look sporty, but are still keen to maintain basic status, opt for a pair of Birkenstocks. They’re the ugliest effing shoes on the planet – you know it, I know it, we all know it. And yet still, we wear them.
Now is probably a good time to get that blonde baliyage top-up you’ve been meaning to do for a while. The sun is yellow and therefore your hair should be too. As you’re heading down to the salon anyway, probs best to get a bikini wax (to be #IbizaReady), eyelash extensions and a pedicure (sun’s out, toes out). You will definitely need to fake tan, because you’re gonna be slathering on that spf but obvs still need to look bronze. When they say you look ‘sun-kissed’, they actually mean ‘drenched in St. Tropez’, but that’s fine. Potato, potata.
Everyone knows that when the sun shines, you drink outside. That’s just the rule. The most basic London hangouts are Pergola on the Roof in Paddington, Box Park in Shoreditch, The Prince of Wales in Brixton and The Ship in Wandsworth, although anywhere in SW London with a beer garden will suffice. Make sure you order Pimms, which is beneficial for a number of reasons: it’s Instagrammable, filled with fruit so defo healthy, and will get you white-girl wastey enough to get with multiple boys wearing Ralph Lauren Polo shirts and signet rings. If you don’t fancy Pimms, other appropriate alcoholic options are cocktails (the brighter the better) or a classy glass of rose or white wine, which will no longer be classy once you’re five glasses down and doing a hand-stand in a floaty summer dress. If you’re too poor to drink out, you can always buy a few tins of ready-made G&T and head to Clapham Common. Ensure you always have a packet of menthol cigarettes handy – you don’t usually smoke but something about the hot weather suddenly makes a burning tube of tobacco seem really refreshing.
The appearance of the sun is a sudden and jarring reminder that very soon – perhaps even imminently – you will be baring all on an exotic beach somewhere. With this in mind, the basic bitch must hit the gym even more than usual. But you might wish to venture out of the confines of your £170pm gym and start running. But beware: exercising in public means you could see actual real-life humans while sweaty and red-faced, which may ruin your perfectly-polished facade. In the end though, you’ll end up boozing and eating out more at this time of year, so by the time your holiday rolls around you’ll be just as much of a fat slob as you were all winter. (And when I say fat, I mean the basic bitch idea of fat which is a comfortable size eight).
Ponder this: if the sun is out and no-one puts it on Instagram with a caption full of sunshine emojis, did it even happen? Of course, like every season, the basic bitch must post evidence of every single thing she does – barbecues, beer gardens, brunches ‘n’ all – to subtly show other basic bitches that she is having a much better time than they are. But there are a few ground rules. A photograph of a boat must be captioned ‘boats ‘n’ hoes’. A picture taken on a Sunday must be captioned ‘Sunday Funday’. Ice creams must be captured before they are licked; cocktails must clink in a boomerang before they’re sipped. Fun is not there to be had – it’s there to be posted online to make everyone else feel bad about themselves. Every basic bitch knows that.